Ghostbusters Reboot: Movie Review

I really didn’t want to see this movie at first, mostly because I figured it was going to be piss. The other day, however, I found myself bored with nothing to do so I figured I’d give in and go see it. Unfortunately, I was correct in my suspicions about Ghostbusters: Return of the Feminists and it was, indeed, piss. But I assume you already knew that so let’s talk about why.

Gender Appropriationbusters is basically the original Ghostbusters if you made it a bad comedy movie, felt it wasn’t shit enough, and then added Melissa McCarthy to give it that extra “umf” of gargled shit. Going on a slight tangent, is there anyone out there that actually likes Melissa McCarthy? If so please let me know and send me a picture of yourself so I can see what a unicorn looks like. Moving on, the thing that really got me about this movie is the blatant lack of any “good” character or even one that was well acted. I mean honestly, every role in this movie is basically just a caricature.

I feel like I can’t review this movie without talking about the whole “look at us, we’re women and we can do it too” thing. Putting my opinion out right, I found this stupid. Now, before you all yell at me and lecture me about why breasts and a vagina don’t make people any less capable: hear me out, because I don’t think that they do. You see, there are effectively only two schools of thought you’re going to reach with this message. The first being the intelligent group of individuals that doesn’t need to be told over and over again that women can do everything that men can because of-fucking-course they can and who gives a shit. Then, there’s the second group of dumb people who think otherwise but the operative word is “dumb”, meaning they won’t be changing their minds anytime soon, especially not because of a shitty Ghostbusters regurgitation. Now, of course, this doesn’t I think you should give up on trying to change minds or whatever. I’m just saying that in the scope of this film, the plot pillar that was “women can do it to” is not the way to go about it. Or even if you want to do that, don’t take a classic and make it shit. Take some garbage like Birdemic or Monos, the Hands of Fate, and make it way better.

Finally, I want to talk about something that kind of personally was upsetting. If you haven’t seen the movie, they brought back the old cast to fill this or that roll. Of course, as comes with such a choice, they also decided to have them spew out famous lines from the old theme song for novelty, including but not limited to “I ain’t afraid of no ghost”. However, in the midst of all this nostalgic focused ass-kissing, they failed to have any of them say “Who ya gonna call?”, a line I was waiting for the whole movie. Like seriously, come the fuck on. It’s the best goddamn one-liner they could have ripped from the original and they just left it out. I had so much hope for it too. Just when I thought they were going to leave Ernie Hudson out of the movie entirely, there he is, in all his glory, right at the end, “Yes”, I thought “this is the opportunity to say those magic words”. My hopes were so high. Then they came crashing down just as quickly like a plane leaving LaGuardia airport. The one chance they had at something that wasn’t going to be complete shit and it was squandered, like giving a stage four brain cancer patient a new kidney because he’s slightly jaundice.

Well, here we are. The rating. Can’t possibly imagine where this score might fall. Sure is a toss up what with the shit acting, shit roles, shit story, and the auxiliary nature of remaking fucking Ghostbusters for a purpose so stupid as “women can do it too”. Perhaps if this wasn’t a Ghostbusters movie and was actually something original that took some thought, I wouldn’t be so hard on it, but unfortunately, that isn’t the world we live in. 1.5/10 for Ghostbusters. 2 seemed like too high a score but I felt it deserved at least something because it’s kind of a movie, not to mention they sunk 144 million into the budget so they should at least get something back out of sympathy.

P.S. They’ve only made 128.2 million at the box office at the time this was written.

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