X-Men – Apocalypse: Movie Review

I ended up double featuring both of the bigger name movies that are out now the other day under the decision that I was either going to do Warcraft or X-Men for this review. Upon finishing Warcraft it became apparent that a certain amount of background would be necessary to write a review I would be satisfied with and who the fuck has time to take WoW 101 so here we are at X-Men. Coming right out with it, fuck me with Night Crawlers tail if that movie wasn’t awesome. It was actually better than I’d expected, not that I was expecting anything bad per se just that it was better than most other films in the franchise in my opinion. That could very easily just be because it brings in the standard iteration of the X-Men that I love so much and combines it with the pre-modern X-Men cast of young Professor X, Mystique, and Magneto, but fuck it, I enjoyed it more regardless.

Once we pass the short scene of flying over the sand dunes, a scene that made me feeling like raising Charles i.e. up-chucking, we get our backstory on En Sabah Nur whom I’ll be calling Ra because that’s also technically his name, I prefer it, and it’s easier to write. Ra is a god who’s actually just Orochimaru and he wants rule the world forever but then gets betrayed and takes a few thousand year long nap. Ra wakes up in the 80’s and goes on a recruiting spree resulting in Storm, Psylocke, Angel, and Magneto whom he intends to use to destroy the world and then rebuild it to worship him. Now enter the X-Men with some new recruits of their own, i.e. Night Crawler, Cyclops, Quicksilver, and Jean Grey. The big final fight ensues and as everyone is getting their collective asses handed to them on a platter served with a side of lemon aioli, Jean goes all phoenix-mode on Ra and takes care of everything in a matter of 10 seconds. Also Magneto realized he had feelings pre-phoenix so he didn’t need to be fried. In the end everyone is happy and Mystique begins training the cannon X-Men so they can actually be X-Men instead of college students that can do magic tricks.

On the topic of Ra’s role in the film, looking back at it it’s crazy how much he didn’t really do in terms of actual destroying. All-in-all he killed some people and destroyed one city to make a giant pyramid. That’s it. Magneto fucked up the rest of the planet by himself with his new earth bender senses. This is all very interesting though because obviously the feel is that Ra is still the main baddy. Perhaps it isn’t that cool to some of you but it just tickles my pickle when a director is able to create a main villainous entity without pressing the “me bad guy, me make world go ‘splody ‘splody” button. So a tip of my hat to you Bryan Singer.

I also wanted to touch on one of my favorite characters in this film, that being Quicksilver. The whole super speed thing has always been my personal super power of choice if I were to have one, so I suppose I’m slightly biased in that regard. Then when you add on to that the fantastic job that Evan Peters did with the character and you get a very happy me. He managed to pull off the balance of comic relief but not a joke of a character that is so fucking great when done well. Gives me a hard-on just thinking about it.

Overall I’ve chosen to award this movie a 9/10 because I’ve gone fucking mad apparently. It was just so goddamn good and I can’t really pick out anything that was done poorly or even just okay. But yeah, off to the Asylum I go. Hopefully they’ll allow me to have computer access in there or I’ll have to start writing my reviews with my own shit on my cell wall.


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