Ratchet & Clank: Movie Review

I will admit, upon hearing that they were making a movie based on Ratchet & Clank I felt excited. “Hooray, a video game movie!” I thought to myself. Only to quickly realize I new fuck-all about the Ratchet & Clank series seeing as how I’ve never played any of them. I contemplated buying them and trying to get through them before the movie came out but decided that I would rather view it objectively as an outsider. This however was an awful idea because at least if I’d have played and enjoyed the games I might have gotten some enjoyment out of recognizing things. Instead I was presented with a big, heaping, drawn out, grey colored “Meeeeeeehhh” of a movie.

This movie was so plain it gave a cheeseless pizza a self-esteem boost. This movie was so plain it made the fucker that played Kylo Ren look like a good fit for the role. This movie was so plain it made Pokémon X and Y versions look like good Pokémon games. Okay, I’m done. But seriously, for fucks sake this movie was boring. If you asked someone to produce the most standard 90 minute movie they could about an anthropomorphic animal in space we’d finally get a Starfox movie and it would be more interesting than Ratchet & Clank.

Let’s start with something I’ve found has become the one of, if not the, biggest plights of shorter films as of late: Pacing. It seems like directors have no idea how to pace a movie properly if it’s anything less than three fucking hours long. Anything in the 90 minute range seems to be doomed to an existence of moving at five frames per second. You get what’s going on but its missing some important parts. And its not like there aren’t any examples of proper pacing in a shorter film that directors can’t go look at for guidance. Just look at Princess Bride. I would make sweet love to that impeccable film and yet it’s only about 90 minutes. Yet here comes Tool & Onomatopoeia trying to push an entire “Zero -to- hero” thing in 90 minutes while also wanting to shove complete character transformation down our throats like we’re all on Man VS. Food trying to finish the worlds largest diabetes flavored grey blob in under an hour. If your going to choose to confine a characters entire transformative sequence + the rise + the fall + the conclusion, all within 90 minutes, you need to cut some corners. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean shit, look at Disney’s Hercules. Set a stage for a kid that wants something bigger, throw some sad scenes around, a training montage or two and bam, great film with perfectly acceptable pacing.

Now that that horse is sufficiently bludgeoned let’s move on. I feel I should say at least one good thing about this movie because even if you can’t polish a turd you can at least complement its color. And that color in the case of Siegfried & Roy was the voice acting which was mostly alright. Rosario Dawson specifically did a pretty good job so brownie points to her.

Overall I will be a gracious lord and give Ratchet & Clank a barely deserved 2/10. It salvaged up some points for just being a movie and for the voice acting not being bad. Kind of a shorter review than usual but bootleg Fox McCloud didn’t really give me a whole lot to talk about.


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