Hardcore Henry: Movie Review

Dear god why? Three words that summarize my feelings for Hardcore Henry, a movie about mute Nathan Drake as he gets thrown into the world of GTA and has been cursed to walk the rest of his existence looking through a fish eye lens. I mean fucking hell people, who thought this was a good idea? When I first saw the trailer for First Person Headache: The Movie the things I feared that might make it bad mirrored what ended up happening. So, let’s review a bad movie, and by review I mean “accidentally” bump into while on vacation at the Grand Canyon.

Call of Duty: Modern Migraine begins as Henry wakes up in a tub of water to his scientist wife putting the finishing touches on his new machine body. Shortly after we’re introduced to the main villain, Akan who kidnaps Henry’s wife. Probably the only interesting character in the whole movie, the albino Dutchman is your typical insane super villain trying to take over the world. Also he has a superpower not unlike the abilities of Pain from Naruto. Which brings me to my first point. Why is he the only person that has powers? Where did they come from? Why the fuck didn’t he give them to the battalion of super soldiers he’s making? Who the fuck knows? Because it certainly isn’t the single person in the entire audience that actually paid money to see this.

The next main character we are introduced to is a guy named Jimmy. Jimmy is essentially nothing more than a giant cock tease as all you want is for him to die so he’ll go away but for some reason every time he does die, a different version of Jimmy pops right up to say “Ha ha, I’m the herpes of this film, deal with it”. I think it’s safe to say that most people were sick of Jimmy after about version 3.0. I will say though that the Jimmy that looked like a soldier out of a Sherlock Holmes fan fiction was genuinely funny. The movie probably would have been three times better if they just kept him around the whole time. Sure it wouldn’t make much sense having late 1800’s Jimmy around the whole time but if the writers were comfortable with all the other shit they served us, I think they could manage that.

After recovering from the headache and stomach pains I actually, genuinely got from watching Henry fall down a flight of stair twenty times, I was able to continue watching just in time for the end. First off, I came to realize that Akan had powers only so that Henry had any challenge at all to over come in the last big fight scene so that answers that question. I never said it was a good answer but given the precedent for shit throwing set by the movie so far I’ll take what I can get. We also find out that Henry’s wife from the beginning is actually Akan’s wife (oops Spoilers). We conclude the shit show by having our grand fight scene in which Akan is defeated because Henry discovers barbed wire and then tears the fuckers head off. So, overall a fitting ending to the vomit inducing gore fest that is Hardcore Henry.

Overall Hardcore Henry is awarded a 2/10, because why watch this when you could just get drunk, strap a small TV to your face, pop in Call of Duty, and throw yourself down the stairs a few times.


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